Dot Hack: The O Files
by Ama no Murakumo
Summary: CRACKFIC! Enter at the risk of your own sanity. Just a bunch of crazy one shots about all our favorite .hack characters. And just for reference, the O stands for omake. Rating for sexual situations, language, and gratuitous amounts of violence.


Disclaimer: I don't own shit. Seriously, I'm so broke the stores won't even take my cash.

_Author's Notes_

1) WARNING! No .hack series or character is safe from me. I will be making fun of anybody and everybody!

2) This fanfic was inspired by enough Pepsi to drown a blue whale, so enter at your own risk. Otherwise…READ AND REVIEW!

Now that the warnings have been placed, let's cause some public humiliation. On with the story!

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**Dot Hack: The O Files  
**_By Ama no Murakumo_

**Chapter 1: The Great Haseo Chase**

After the defeat of Cubia and Ovan's subsequent disappearance, Haseo found himself, for lack of a better word, _bored_. Yes folks, the savior of The World was bored out of his fucking mind. Not even dungeon crawling with his friends seemed fun anymore. Besides, the Adept Rogue already had enough drama going on in his life to start his own soap opera…

**(Sigma: Moody Oblivious Virgin)  
**(A/N: I don't know if these are actual keywords in G.U., but I don't really give a rat's ass HAHAHA)

Today we find Haseo wandering over a grassy field with Raven Guildmaster Yata and former Canard Guildmaster (and self-proclaimed ladies man) Kuhn. Their objective: to retrieve a rare item from the Beast Statue that nobody knows the identity of. Haseo had noticed the event on the message boards that morning and decided that it would provide a much needed break in his monotonous routine.

And so, sending party invites to Yata and Kuhn, the white-clothed Adept Rogue made plans to just find out what exactly this rare item was. So far they had found the event to be easy, as the field was littered with nothing but ordinary monsters.

Sneaking behind a troop of Goblin Generals, the trio ambushed the monsters and pulverized them with a quick Beast Awakening. Smirking at the hapless creatures as their bodies disappeared, Haseo led his party to the chest. Opening it revealed the final key needed to open the path to the statue.

Making their way quickly down the stairs, they arrived at what easily had to be the _weirdest_ Beast Statue they had ever seen. Haseo seriously thought that the system admins were smoking something illegal when they thought THIS up.

The normally intimidating Beast Statue was colored hot pink and covered with little red, white, and purple hearts, not to mention it was actually wearing lipstick as well.

All three players immediately snorted and covered their mouths to try and contain their mirth. It was too much though and the entire party, Yata included, burst out laughing at the ridiculousness of what they were seeing. Haseo could feel his ribs starting to hurt as he staggered over to the chest and opened it. Looking inside, the young man pulled out what appeared to be a small aerosol can. The name of the item came up as 'Mist of Venus.'

The miniscule item kinda reminded him of the cologne his dad used to wear…

Shrugging his shoulders, Haseo began to put the item in his inventory. However…

"Haseo."

"Hmmm, what is it Ya-damn it!" Haseo's hand had slipped on the controller as his focus was turned away from his task and caused him to accidentally use the 'Mist of Venus' on himself, rather than put it away. Haseo groaned and slapped a hand to his face.

'_Oh well, it's not like it really does anything. The damn thing didn't even have a description._'

After finally getting Kuhn to stop laughing, the three warped back to Breg Epona, though Haseo quickly dropped his companions from the party, saying he had to head over to Mac Anu really quick to meet somebody.

The two guild members nodded and took off in different direction to handle their own errands, as Haseo turned back to the Chaos Gate and warped to Delta Server.

**(Aqua City Mac Anu)  
**As soon as he arrived, Haseo checked to see who was online from his member address list.

'_Let's see…Alkaid, Atoli, Piros, Endrance, Tabby, Pi, Yata, Kuhn, Sakubo, Zelkova, Matsu, Kaede, The Azure Knights, Bordeaux, and Antares. Just about everyone's online right now,_' he said to himself as he wandered through the streets of Mac Anu. Hopefully, Bo was in control of he and his sister's character. Haseo really didn't wanna have to deal with the vindictive Saku right now.

Turning a corner, the Epitaph-PC nearly ran right into Atoli. Stopping himself, he noticed that the young Harvest Cleric was a bit out of it.

"Hey Atoli, you okay?" She looked up at him wearily.

"Hmm…oh hi Haseo. Sorry but I'm kinda tired today. I spent most of the night studying for this big test I have on Monday," she replied. Haseo could easily tell that she was about to pass out from exhaustion.

"Why don't you log out for now and get some rest. You need plenty of sleep or you'll get sick."

Atoli smiled softly at the young man. "Thanks Haseo. That's really sweet of you. Yeah, I think I'll log out for a while and come back after I take a nap."

"Good. We don't you falling asleep and sliding off your computer chair now, do we?" he asked. She giggled.

"True. Well, see you later!"

"Bye," he exclaimed as he continued on his way. As Haseo walked past, Atoli took a deep breath and suddenly felt _very_ energized. Twisting her head to gaze at the retreating Adept Rogue, she could feel a smile snake across her lips as her eyes traveled waywardly down Haseo's backside. Atoli just knew she was blushing if the heated feeling in her face was any indication.

'_Mmmm, Atoli likes! I need to get ready for later…_' she thought as she ran off to do some rare item hunting of her own. Haseo felt a sudden chill spiral down his spine. He gulped.

'_Why do I feel that something bad is about to happen?_'

**(Mercenary District)  
**Alkaid was found standing next to the Mercenary District fountain talking with Endrance about maybe grabbing Haseo and hitting a couple rounds at the Arena when the very person they were talking about suddenly came into view.

"Hey Haseo! Come here for a minute would ya?" she yelled. She smiled prettily when she saw him nod and make his way towards them.

"Oh Haseo…we were just talking about you," Endrance said in his airy tone that usually made Haseo shiver. Haseo would be the first to admit that the Blade Brandier was a powerful ally, but sometimes the guy just gave him the creeps!

"Yeah! Wanna head to the Arena and smack down some challengers? I heard a team of dorks in Lumina Cloth badmouthing you and saying they would toss you out of the Sage Palace by your ear," she told him. Haseo sighed. The number of people thinking they could beat him was getting a little too high for his tastes.

"Sure, we can go shove their own weapons up their asses once they submit a challenge."

"Hell yeah! After listening to those goons, I'm in the mood to knock somebody around a bit," she shouted. Suddenly she lifted her head and took a couple sniffs.

"Hey Haseo, is that smell coming from you? It smells like some kinda cologne…" The Adept Rogue blinked. She could smell something from _inside _the game? Now that was weird.

"I don't know. Yata, Kuhn, and I went through some kind of event earlier where we found something like a bottle of cologne, but it didn't say if it does anything." Alkaid shrugged.

"It doesn't matter. I happen to think it smells kinda nice really." Endrance nodded.

"Indeed. It smells…heavenly," he said softly as Haseo turned around, praying he didn't see that look on the other man's face.

"Well you guys, I gotta meet Bo soon but I can't seem to find him. Maybe he's around the (at)Homes."

Haseo took off down the way he came from. The two former Demon Palace Emperors watched him go before they began to feel a strange warmth spread through them. Alkaid's eyes instantly latched onto Haseo and sank down to the same place Atoli was staring at earlier.

'_Yummy…I think I'll have some of that,__**' **_she thought giddily as she took off after the boy, only to head towards the Chaos Gate once she reached the plaza. Endrance simply stared as the Adept Rogue turned the corner and left his field of vision.

'_I must prepare,_' he said in his mind as he wandered away, as if in a trance.

**(Twenty minutes later)  
**"Dammit Bo, where are you!" Haseo screamed. It had been almost half an hour and he had just about literally run into everybody EXCEPT the shy Shadow Warlock he was searching for. Stomping off towards the central plaza again, he grumbled to himself.

"I hope he didn't think I said to meet in Dol Don-WHOA!" Haseo yelped as he felt a certain piece of his anatomy being pinched that was usually off-limits to everyone but himself.

Turning around so fast he almost got whiplash, Haseo got ready to glare at whoever was suicidal enough to grab him. What he saw, however, wasn't what he expected.

After all, of everyone he knew, PI wasn't very high on the list of those that would dare to pinch his ass. Endrance, maybe…

"Well hello, handsome. Going my way?" the pink-haired Tribal Grappler asked, batting her eyelashes at Haseo in what was supposed to be a sexy way. Though to the young man, the fact that Pi of all people was hitting on him was just plain _disturbing_.

"Uhhh…Pi, are you okay? Did Yata sneak pot into your coffee again?" Giggling, the woman shook her head and lunged forward, tackling Haseo to the ground before he had a chance to back away. Circling her finger on his chest, Pi blew softly on Haseo's ear.

"Not this time, babe. I just figured out how much of a man you really are. Now take me, you wonderful stud!" she exclaimed, puckering her lips.

"OH HELL NO!" Haseo screamed. Kicking Pi off of him, the hero scrambled to his feet and dashed off towards the Mercenary District with the system administrator hot on his heels.

Keeping just enough ahead of the woman to evade her fingers, Haseo barreled down crowds of people and tossed anyone he could get his hands on behind him in an attempt to slow her down. Rounding a corner, Haseo found Endrance standing in front of the fountain. And for once, the Adept Rogue was happy to see the rose-wearing swordsman.

"Endrance! Endrance, help me! Pi's gone off the deep end!" he shouted. The commotion got the Blade Brandier's attention, as he turned around to find a bug-eyed Haseo being chased down by a Pi that for once seemed more likely to rape him than pound him. Glaring at the system admin, Endrance stomped over as Haseo quickly hid behind him. As soon as Pi got in range, he wheeled back his arm and hammered the older woman right in the nose, knocking her out cold.

Haseo cringed. '_Damn! I never knew Endrance had such a nasty right hook._'

The swordsman shifted his attention back to Haseo, who was breathing a sigh of relief.

"Thanks Endrance. I don't know what the hell came over her. Maybe that blow will knock some sense back…into…" his voice trailed off when he noticed the obviously lusty look in the other man's eyes.

"Ahhh _shit_…!"

"OH HASEO! RAVISH ME!"

Haseo's eyes returned to their previous size as Endrance started touching himself in a way that would scar the younger man for the rest of both his natural and supernatural life.

"Sweet, holy Jesus Christ on a unicycle, what the fuck is wrong with everyone!?" he exclaimed, running for dear life as the thinner, faster Endrance chased after him. Jumping over boxes, cutting corner, and bouncing off other players' heads, the Adept Rogue charged through Mac Anu like a bat out of hell, barely able to keep ahead of his pursuer. He didn't even wanna think of what Endrance would do to him if he got captured. Pushing another crowd out of the way, Haseo turned another corner before…

WHAM! "Uhhh, my head."

"Aha! I've been looking for you, he of fair eyes!" Haseo groaned.

"Oh for the love of god, not him," he said as his eyes wandered up until they rested upon the face of the hapless Piros the 3rd. The golden-armored Lord Partizan smiled at Haseo before picking the smaller player up and enveloping him in the mother of all bear hugs. The Adept Rouge gagged as his oxygen supply was instantly cut off, causing his face to turn a lovely shade of blue.

Piros laughed heartily and held the young man at arm's length, studying him for a moment before opening his mouth.

"Let the make-out session begin!"

"NO!!" By now, Haseo's throat was becoming hoarse with all the screaming as he wrenched his arm loose and socked the much larger Piros between the eyes. Dropping to his feet, Haseo watched in bliss as his would-be kisser hit the ground with a loud THUD. His happiness only intensified when he realized that Piros had landed on top of Endrance, rendering both men unconscious.

"Hah! Looks like my luck's finally starting to change a little bit," he said. Whistling to himself, Haseo walked away from the two with a spring in his step. As he approached the NPC shops, he noticed that Tabby and Bordeaux seemed to be arguing about something in front of the weapons store. Deciding he should probably break it up, though likely against his better judgment, Haseo cautiously moved towards the fiery girls.

"Listen, stray, you should be glad I'm willing to part with something so rare for basically chicken feed!"

"Chicken feed! Do you have any idea how much trouble I went through to get this stuff, you spider-loving bit-"

"_Ahem_. Ladies, is there a problem?" he asked, a bit wary. The glazed look in the two's eyes as they noticed him wasn't a good omen, considering the hell he just went through. He audibly gulped as both girls grinned at him like feral cats, tugging at their skimpy tops to expose even more cleavage to the teenager than Haseo really thought was necessary. Or possible, for that matter.

"Not again…"

"Come here big boy. Let's find the nearest hotel so I can _love _you into unconsciousness," Bordeaux moaned. The Blade Brandier pressed herself against a quite uncomfortable Haseo as he tried to back away. His tactical retreat, however, was stopped short as he felt his back push into a soft something. Make that TWO soft somethings, plus a pair of hands he did NOT want wrapped around his pelvis like that…

"Hehe. Mind if I join you Bordeaux? I'm feeling a little horny myself," Tabby suggested. The short haired redhead in front of their prey nodded enthusiastically.

"Certainly, my dear pussy cat. I could probably use a little help getting him to the bedroom," she replied.

Now Haseo was royally freaking out. '_Am I in the goddamn Twilight Zone or something? Tabby and Bordeaux _never_ agree on anything!'_

Twisting and turning his body, the boy tried as hard as he could to escape the two women before they did something they'd all regret. But the females weren't having any of it. Their hands were tightly latched onto Haseo's limbs as they proceeded to drag him across town to a virtual motel in the back alleys of Mac Anu that Bordeaux had mentioned.

'_Crap. At this rate, I'll need the Jaws of Life to get out of this mess,_' he thought. Suddenly, Haseo saw his salvation as they entered the maze of alleys. Standing before the trio was the one group the Adept Rouge knew would save him from this freakish nightmare: The Azure Knights.

Kite, Balmung, and Orca were all leaning against the walls of the alley as the girls tugged Haseo down the narrow path. Waving his arms frantically, he called out to the three AI PCs.

"Kite! Balmung! Orca! Help me please!"

Raising their heads to address the sound, the three let out what Haseo could only describe as groans of happiness. Before Tabby and Bordeaux knew what hit them, all three Knights charged, bowling them head over heels as Haseo quickly muttered a thank you before running off in the other direction, free at last. He didn't even wanna stay to find out what those three were moaning about a second ago…just thinking about it made him feel kind of dirty.

The Knights weren't content to leave it at that, though. With the two frisky girls right behind them, they took off after the fleeing Haseo, their longing moans escaping whatever passed for lips on their mouths.

'_For the love of…I swear if I get out of this alive, then I'm trying out for the marathon!_' he screamed in his mind as he tore past Piros and Endrance, who were just beginning to stumble to their feet. Glancing up, they saw Haseo run past with the Azure Knights, Tabby, and Bordeaux nipping at his heels. Looking at each other momentarily, the two joined the chase.

"Oh Haseo! Make me yours!"

"Come back, he of fair eyes!"

Haseo was beginning to pant heavily as he zigzagged his way through Mac Anu's streets, praying for any kind of rescue. Turning north at the plaza fountain, the Adept Rogue dashed down the bridge towards the Chaos Gate.

'_If I can get to the Chaos Gate first, then I can escape into some random field! Why didn't I think of this earlier?_'

**(Mac Anu Bridge)  
**"-so I told the guy I didn't fight in the Arena anymore, but he insisted, so I went in and whipped his ass."

"Interesting story, Antares," replied a very tall, jackal-faced Tribal Grappler, his tone obviously exasperated.

Antares had invited several high-ranking members of some of The World's most prominent guilds to have a casual talk about what they would all do now that Cubia had been defeated. Currently, he was boring them to death with tales of his past exploits in the Arena.

It should also be know, dear readers, that his strolling companions in their trek down the Mac Anu bridge consisted of Taihaku, Sirius, Zelkova, Kaede, Matsu, and Gabi. As the gray-haired former Sage Palace Emperor made to put his own two cents into the conversation, and hopefully shut red-skinned man up, a red-faced Haseo blasted past the group, closely trailed by his entourage of pursuers. Kaede sighed as she watched the fiasco and inadvertently took a whiff of the 'Mist of Venus' still drifting from Haseo's character data. Turning to her Guildmaster, she asked, "Master Zelkova, may I be excused momentarily?"

Confused, the young Flick Reaper nodded. "Of course, Kaede. Is something the ma-" he started, only to stop short as his second in command immediately joined in the chase, running after Haseo with hearts in her eyes.

Not sure of what he was witnessing, Antares asked the question that was on everyone's minds at that moment.

"What the fuck is going on here?" Sirius chuckled.

"I'm not certain myself, but I say we grab some popcorn and watch the festivities."

"I agree. While I'm rather confused about Kaede's actions, I must admit that this is a rather interesting scene. Let's go watch," Zelkova said. The others nodded and followed Moon Tree's Guildmaster in search of some bleachers or extra chairs. They just HAD to have front row seats to this!

**(Back to Haseo)  
**'_Damn you God! If I end up in heaven, I am SO gonna kick your ass!_' Haseo mentally threatened as he threw open the doors of the clock tower. So focused on his ultimate objective, the multi-weapon user never took into account the possibility that there would be more people in his path.

CRASH!

Haseo was rendered airborne as he tripped over a small Tu Tribe beast player, impacting the ground painfully as his pursuers immediately took advantage of his momentary lapse in concentration. Making a tight circle, they surrounded him.

Struggling to his feet, Haseo's eyes widened as he realized the predicament he was in.

"Damn…and I was so close," he murmured to himself as three more people warped in behind the group: Aina, Shino and Natsume.

Taken aback by the strange scene, the black-clad Harvest Cleric asked, "Haseo, what's going on?"

"When I find out, I'll let you know. Everyone's gone insane!" Turning around to face the newcomers, Bordeaux smirked.

"Would you ladies like to join us? I'm sure there's enough Haseo to go around for everybody," she purred. Confused, Natsume looked at her two companions.

"Shino, what exactly did she mean by that. For what reason would be sharing Haseo other than as a friend?" The Twin Blade's question caused Shino's face to turn cherry-red as she tried to stammer out a response. Before she could finish, Tabby moved aside a little bit, leaving a small hole in the circle.

"Come on, you three. Let's get this party started," she said, bouncing on the balls of her feet in excitement. By now, Haseo had noticed what they were doing.

"FREEDOM!!"

The Adept Rouge hero shot towards Tabby, who tried to hold him back and keep him within the confines of the circle. However, she forgot two important facts:

First, Haseo was a hell of a lot stronger than she was.

Second, his virtual body had already begun to overproduce the online equivalent to adrenaline, which in turn made him seem even stronger than usual.

The result: the Tribal Grappler and others were thrown out of the way as Haseo made a suicide charge at the Chaos Gate. Quickly activating some random keywords, he vanished in a flash of blue.

A collective "Awww" reverberated throughout the clock tower as they realized their prey had escaped.

**(Delta: Hidden Forbidden Holy Ground)  
**"Looks like I made it out of there. Now where-" Haseo said as he turned around to find himself staring at the ominous form of the Hulle Granz Cathedral.

"How the hell did I end up here? So much for random keywords," he grumbled. Walking up to the enormous doors, Haseo decided to take a rest inside and try to figure out just how to fix whatever the hell had happened to his teammates. As soon as he stepped inside, he felt his blood instantly shoot to parts of his body best left unmentioned.

Alkaid and Atoli were both laying on top of Aura's altar, and neither of them were wearing their usual uniform. Nope, both girls were now dressed in the skimpiest nightgowns Haseo had ever seen in his life.

'_This can't end well…_' he thought as the two slowly rose from the pedestal. The gowns weren't leaving anything to the imagination, either, as they were almost completely see-through. Swaying their hips as they walked, the blonde and redhead made their way stealthily over to Haseo and, before he had a chance to even consider backing away, pounced.

"Gah!"

The Adept Rouge landed hard on his back, grunting in pain as Alkaid sat on his chest and held his arms down while Atoli plopped herself right behind her to grab his legs. Staring down at the helpless young man, her visible cleavage putting both Tabby and Bordeaux to shame, Alkaid smiled at him.

"So Haseo, do you like what you see?" Atoli giggled and grabbed the boy's personal 'Holy Ground.'

"I don't know about you, Alkaid, but I think we got all the answer we need right here," she said, giving her prize a firm squeeze.

Haseo tried to hold in his pleasured moans but couldn't contain himself for very long. Especially not with the way the normally shy Harvest Cleric was stimulating him…

Grabbing his hands, the fiery Twin Blade lifting them up and gently cupped them to her chest. Blushing like a tomato, Haseo could only watch as Alkaid moved his hands in a circular motion around her breasts. Thinking hard about his situation, Haseo finally found the light bulb of an idea.

'_Wait just a second! I used that damn Mist of Venus on myself earlier. That thing must have been some kind of online aphrodisiac! That explains why nearly all the women in my member address list have gone completely gaga,_' he realized as the two young women on top of him continued their menstruations.

Finding his voice, Haseo exclaimed, "Girls listen! I don't think we should be doing this! It's that damn Mist of Venus item. It's messing with your minds!"

He found himself confused when he saw them both smirking at him.

"My dear Haseo," Atoli said, "that stuff effected us for _maybe_ one or two minutes. But after that, the effects wore off."

"That's right, my little Terror of Death. We weren't effected for very long because our feelings are genuine. And trust me, you aren't going ANYWHERE," Alkaid quipped.

'_Say what! They both like me like _that_?!_' Haseo thought. He thought about what his options were at the moment.

'_Let's see, I can either stay here and let these two have their way with me, or I can find a way out of here and go back to Mac Anu where the others are probably waiting for me…fuck that, I'm staying here!_'

Wearing his trademark smirk on his face, Haseo gently wriggled free from underneath the two girls and wrapped his arms around their waists.

"Well then ladies, shall we get started?" Alkaid and Atoli both wore smiles of happiness as Haseo pulled them closer and lowered his head to theirs.

**(Raven (at)Home)  
**Turning off the video screen on the Serpent of Lore as Haseo got down to business, Yata turned around to face the door and pushed his glasses further up his nose, wearing a mischievous smile on his face.

"I knew making the Mist of Venus was a good idea…"

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That's it for chapter 1 people. Hope you enjoyed. Even though the story has an M rating, I'm trying not to make things too hot and heavy unless you guys specifically ask for it. Anyway, if you guys can come up with good ideas for one-shots, drop me a line either through review or private message.

Next up on Dot Hack: The O Files, Chapter 2: The Rapture. Kite goes dungeon-crawling with Balmung and Orca in search of a birthday present for BlackRose. In the process, he learns that sometimes, you REALLY need to think before you speak…

Read and Review, guys. This is Ama no Murakumo, signing off until next time!


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